How is it sometimes you find yourself in a wrestling match with God over things you thought you had gained victory over? Like most of us, I struggle with insecurity and feeling that I’m unqualified for this or that. I have worked to overcome my insecurities and allowed God to use me in ways I never thought I would. But over the last several months, I found myself stuck yet again. Stuck in the mindset of what I could or could not do, arguing with God that I didn’t measure up or feel worthy to do certain things He was urging me to do. How did I get back here?
As I processed my thoughts and reminded God of my deficiencies, I recounted words that had been spoken to me, about me or over me. Some were really encouraging and gave me confidence while others brought tears and heartache. The reality is I know what God’s word says about me and my mind was sure of that, but because I had stepped out in faith and my confidence had been shaken, my heart hadn’t yet caught up with my mind. I was insecure, unsure and certain that I had misheard God. I was stuck…immovable spiritually…confidence shattered…confused. I only recently realized the devastating toll it took on me. I had become apathetic about moving forward.
I knew my thoughts had gripped me and I had to do something. I read and listened to sermon after sermon. One sermon resonated and it clicked! The pastor said, “Just because God moved one way in one season doesn’t mean He’ll move the same way in this season.” I was expecting things to play out the same way they had in the past. But I wasn’t the same person I was in the past so why wouldn’t God expect more of me now? Why shouldn’t I have to trust at a deeper level…why shouldn’t I get my confidence bumped? If He didn’t allow this, I would stay the same…weak in spirit. He wasn’t allowing disappointment to discourage me but to grow me. I felt tossed aside when actually He was gently scooping me in closer. I saw the difficulty as disapproval when in reality it was simply redirection and refinement.
I’ve been digging my way out of where I let my mind take me and regaining confidence in who God has created me to be. I still feel unqualified, at times, but I trust that whatever it is God puts in front of me, He will fully equip me to handle. I’ve come to expect resistance and have settled into the fact that God decides it all. He chooses who, when, where and how in our lives. He marks our path and gently guides us in this direction or that. He is constantly reshaping, refining and preparing us for what lies ahead.
Today, if you’re facing disappointment or difficulty, be encouraged. On the other side is growth and strength. But you have to go through it to get to it! Keep pressing!!